The Valentine's Day event for 2017 was a text-based "choose your own story" adventure mini-game that was released for Valentine's Day 2017 on February 14, 2017. Players were able to follow a story, inputting actions to take as part of it, and follow the story onto different paths. It also included some environmental artwork for certain parts of the story.
We've created an all new type of text adventure—as long as you ignore everything that's happened in text adventures since the 1970’s. Navigate your way through the world by typing in your own commands. Steal from dragons if you please. Steal from squirrels if you dare. Go on a date with a spider (or swing your sword at it). The choice is yours.
Event Credits
Organiser: JOTB
Village Area Art: Wookienmashoo, Process
Area Art (All): Wookienmashoo
Event Link: Fiona BlueFire
Scroll Badge/Event Trophy: PieMaster
Event Writing: Fire-Ice, JOTB, Pokemonfan13, TJ09
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Event Script/Dialogue
Valentine’s Day Event
Your trip to the Pink Dragon Café appears to have been interrupted. But by what?
You wake up with a bad headache and a worse feeling that you’re supposed to be somewhere important. You are sitting in what resembles a giant bird’s NEST lined with COINS, ANIMAL SKELETONS, and BROKEN STRING INSTRUMENTS. You are somewhere in the mountains outside your village, but have no recollection as to how you came to be there. You turn around to see a large, red, smiling face with a lot of teeth and breath like a dead goat.
Red Dragon: Hey, sorry about your head. I accidentally banged you against a rock when I grabbed you – I forget how squishy you humans are! But it’s great that you’re awake! I really need some dating advice, and everyone knows that humans are into all that mushy lovey-dovey stuff. To start with, I wrote a love song, and I want your opinion on it.
Off in the distance, you hear another roar. Great.
Red Dragon: Ugh, that must be Jeremy. I told him that this is my courting ground and he needs to go find his own. Stay here, I’ll be back in a flash.
The dragon launches off the mountainside, buffeting you with strong gusts of wind from its wings. By now you are very concerned. Being trapped in a dragon’s lair is bad enough, but it’s the singing/songwriting bits that really worry you - most dragons are notoriously bad singers and frightfully prone to taking criticism personally. A quick search of your pockets reveals that you have nothing but a PLANNER with you.
Game Prompt: Try entering a command like "EXAMINE OBJECT" or "TAKE THING".
> EXAMINE NEST
The NEST is mostly made of tree trunks, most still with BRANCHES and green leaves.
> EXAMINE PLANNER
The planner is full of dates and times. On the page with today’s date, you are apparently supposed to be at the Pink Dragon
Café at 6 o’clock for dinner. A folded note is stuck between the pages.
> EXAMINE NOTE
“I yearn for you tragically, and cannot wait to finally see you again.” At the bottom it lists the same place, date and time to meet as in the planner.
> EXAMINE COINS
COINS of many currencies and denominations are scattered about.
> TAKE COINS
You pick up a handful of gold COINS off the ground, hoping the DRAGON doesn't notice.
> TAKE COINS
You've already taken some of the COINS. Let's not get greedy now.
> EXAMINE COINS
COINS of many currencies and denominations are scattered about.
There is a noticeably empty area, devoid of coins, because you took some.
> EXAMINE SKELETON
A variety of animal carcasses, most still with little bits off flesh stuck to them.
> TAKE SKELETON
You take a few small BONES, ignoring the smell of rotten meat.
> EXAMINE INSTRUMENTS
Musical instruments are everywhere, all smashed or broken in half. You wonder if the dragon enjoys breaking them, or just thinks that's how they're supposed to be played.
> LEAVE NEST
How do you plan to do that? Try being more specific.
> CLIMB DOWN
(GAME CONTINUES TO MOUNTAIN PATH)
You clamber up the branches and out of the NEST. A very overgrown and narrow PATH winds back and forth along the mountainside. It doesn’t look like anyone has used it in quite some time, though there is an occasional piece of rusty ARMOR scattered about.
> EXAMINE ARMOR
The armor is rusty, dented, and in some places melted or chewed.
> TAKE ARMOR
This armor is so badly damaged that it is unwearable, but you pick up a bit of the rusty metal anyway.
> TAKE PATH
(GAME CONTINUES DOWN PATH)
You stumble down the steep slope, tripping over rocks and roots and bits of knights. The path comes to a cliff and turns left to follow along the edge. You pass by a burned human SKELETON crumpled amid a mass of rusted-through ARMOR and an old BATTLE AXE. Nearby you can see where a large ROCK was charred by dragon fire. There is an unblackened, heroically posed silhouette of the would-be dragon slayer still visible on its surface.
You soon encounter a TREE growing right between two large boulders and are unable to progress any further along your current route, but another PATH forks off to the LEFT and goes a little way back up the slope.
> EXAMINE SKELETON
At least he went out swinging.
> EXAMINE ARMOR
A rusty bit of armor that is more likely to cut you than give you any protection.
> TAKE SKELETON
You try to take a few BONES with you but the the ARMOR melted and cooled around them, fusing everything together into one heavy lump too large to carry.
> TAKE ARMOR
You try to take the ARMOR with you but the the dragon melted it and it cooled around the BONES, fusing everything together into one heavy lump too large to carry.
> EXAMINE AXE
A very large, rusty battle AXE.
> TAKE BATTLE AXE
You pick up the AXE. It is very, very heavy. You won't be able to carry it for long.
> EXAMINE ROCK
Whoever the knight was, he was much larger and a lot more foolhardy than you.
> EXAMINE TREE
What an inconvenient place for a tree to grow.
> TAKE TREE
Don't be absurd, you can't take this with you.
> LICK TREE
You get close to the tree and—actually no. I'm not going to go there. That's strange.
You know what? I give up. You win. You've successfully weirded me out. And for what? To see if you could? Well, fine.
You keep doing strange things without me. I'm leaving.
THE END
…
…You're still here?
Ugh. You don't know when to quit, do you? Well, if you're not going to leave, I guess I have no choice but to placate your demands until you reach the actual "THE END."
> GO LEFT
(GAME CONTINUES DOWN THE LEFT PATH)
> CHOP TREE WITH AXE
With great effort and much straining you manage to use to AXE to cut down the tree. If only there were a woodsman around.
You consider taking the AXE with you but it is too big and unwieldy to carry all the way back.
> CHOP TREE WITH AXE
You've already cut down the tree. You wonder if chopping everything in sight is a good idea, or if that's just the adrenaline talking.
> TAKE PATH
(GAME CONTINUES DOWN MOUNTAIN PATH)
You hop over the TREE STUMP and continue your downward trek. The PATH eventually becomes less steep and easier to navigate. It appears as though this part of the trail is more frequently used, but the grass still grows up to your knees. Birch TREES now throw their shade over you, as opposed to the bare rock and spruces that grew higher up the mountain. You come around the corner and to your surprise and dismay the PATH comes to a dead end. You look around for some hidden continuation of the trail. There isn't much to be seen here except for some ROCKS and STICKS, as well as a large pile of dead LEAVES. Though wait—did you just see something shiny in the LEAVES?
> EXAMINE ROCKS
You look at one of the rocks. It is indeed a rock.
> TAKE ROCK
You put the rock in your pocket. If you believe hard enough, it is a lucky rock.
> EXAMINE STICK
This STICK was once part of a tree, reaching towards the sky in defiance of gravity. Now it is sitting on the ground, rotting and forgotten. Perhaps it is a metaphor for the human condition.
> TAKE STICK
You pick up the stick. It will look great in your stick collection.
> EXAMINE LEAVES
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE ENTRANCE CAVERN)
You decide to go up the little PATH and see if it is a way down. It is steep and doesn't go in the direction you want to go in, but it could turn back later and has a helpful lack of trees. Alongside the PATH, you see evidence of more failed mountaineering and dragon-slaying expeditions. Among the refuse you see an abandoned PICKAXE and a small piece of ARMOR with an ARROW poking out of it.
> EXAMINE ARMOR
A rusty bit of armor that is more likely to cut you than give you any protection.
> TAKE ARMOR
The items make an interesting keepsake so you decide to take them with you.
> EXAMINE PICKAXE
There doesn't seem to be anything to do that with.
> TAKE PICKAXE
You decide to take the strange PICKAXE with you. Maybe you could use it as firewood.
> GO FORWARD
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE CLIFF)
> GO BACK
(GAME GOES BACK TO MOUNTAIN PATH)
The path ends abruptly at a vertical CLIFF. Looking around for a way to continue, you are surprised to see a HORSE casually standing half way up the CLIFF and wonder if there is a way up. It doesn't look passable, but if the HORSE got up there…
> EXAMINE HORSE
It looks like a perfectly normal horse, but you have no idea how it got up there. Maybe the dragon dropped it?
> EXAMINE CLIFF
Looking closely, you can't see a single decent foothold. You are mystified as to how the HORSE got up there until it moves off the ledge it's standing on and starts climbing straight up the CLIFF face. You stand and watch until it reaches the top and disappears.
> EXAMINE CLIFF
A very steep cliff that no longer has a horse on it.
> EXAMINE HORSE
You can no longer see the horse, nor follow it up the cliff. Maybe you didn't see it at all.
> GO BACK
(GAME GOES BACK TO MOUNTAIN PATH FORK)
You start sifting through the leaves. The ground suddenly gives way, and despite some impressive windmilling of your arms you tumble forward, fall for a few seconds, and then land with a flump on a large pile of more LEAVES. That was lucky!
You brush the LEAVES off your clothes and look around you. You are in an earthen cave with TREE ROOTS sticking out of the ceiling. Two TUNNELS lead away from you—one to the EAST, and one to the SOUTH.
> EXAMINE LEAF
They took their leave of the branches.
> TAKE LEAF
You grab a handful of dead leaves and shove them in your pockets.
> EXAMINE ROOTS
Is this what people mean when they refer to the "root of the problem?"
> EXAMINE TUNNELS
A large tunnel in the earth, sloping downwards. It may have been carved long ago by an underground river.
> GO EAST
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE CULTIST’S GROTTO)
This cave is full of dust and cobwebs, but old MANA LANTERNS line the walls and still give off enough light to see by. The WALLS have been carved with strange symbols and figures, and a large stone block resembling an ALTAR sits in the middle of the room. A tunnel to the west leads back the way you came.
> EXAMINE WALLS
You don't recognize the language of the symbols, but a common motif is something resembling octopus tentacles.
> TAKE LANTERN
You tug on one of the lanterns but it is bolted to the wall.
> EXAMINE ALTAR
A large, rectangular stone block. You look closely near the top and see that there is a seam, as if the altar has a LID that could be removed.
> OPEN LID
You heave the LID of the altar off the base, revealing a small hidden chamber. Inside is some sort of FLUTE carved from a sea shell. You pick it up as a souvenir.
> PLAY FLUTE
You blow the horn but it doesn't seem to make any noise. Useless piece of junk.
Thousands of leagues away at the bottom of the ocean, an ancient evil awakens.
> PLAY FLUTE
You try to blow the useless horn again. No dice.
In the ocean, the ancient evil wonders where the snooze button is.
> GO WEST
(GAME CONTINUES BACK TO THE ENTRANCE CAVERN)
You are in an earthen cave with TREE ROOTS sticking out of the ceiling. Two TUNNELS lead away from you—one to the EAST, and one to the SOUTH. There is a hole in the ceiling through which daylight is shining through, and a large pile of dead LEAVES on the floor.
> GO SOUTH
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE NORTHEAST CAVERN)
You are in an uncomfortably warm cavern. All around you there are giant clusters of brightly glowing CRYSTALS, some as thick around as a tree trunk and others the width of a pencil. To the south and the east you can see tunnels stretching down into pitch black darkness, and to the north a tunnel slopes slightly upward.
> EXAMINE CRYSTAL
A mana crystal. It's a shame anyone who can do magic leaves your town for the city.
> TAKE CRYSTAL
You break of one of the smaller crystals, damaging a unique geological formation thousands of years in the making but obtaining a useful light source.
> GO EAST
The cave you exit into would be fairly unremarkable if not for the horse-sized SPIDER crouched on the far side of the room.
There is another tunnel that continues further EAST but it is completely blocked by the creature’s large, hairy body. The spider doesn’t seem to see you so you beat a quiet but hasty retreat back the way you came.
> GO SOUTH
(GAME CONTINUES TO NORTHWEST CAVERN)
> GO EAST
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE EAST CAVERN)
You enter the southern tunnel and walk for a while, noticing that it has a distinct downward slope. The air becomes cooler and damper and some slimy glowing FUNGUS is growing on the walls. Eventually you come to an underground lake. Sitting against the far wall is a SKELETON, and to the north is the tunnel you entered from.
> EXAMINE LAKE
The water is very still and cold. There are probably monsters living in it.
> SWIM IN LAKE
You've read enough fantasy novels to know that there's at least one giant octopus living in here. Bad idea!
> EXAMINE SKELETON
The SKELETON appears to be human. Mostly. It is clutching a heart shaped BOX to its chest and a SWORD across its lap.
> TAKE SKELETON
Come on, have some respect for the dead!
> TAKE SWORD
You don’t actually know how to use a sword but it might come in handy!
> TAKE BOX
You take the box, breaking off one of the skeleton's arms in the process (oops). The box contains some bits of what might have once been chocolate, and some old yellowed cards with cutesy sayings like "You got a dandy pair of gams on ya" and "I'd love to take you out for a soda at the drive-in" on them.
> GO NORTH
(GAME CONTINUES BACK TO THE NORTHEAST CAVERN)
The cave you exit into would be fairly unremarkable if not for the horse-sized SPIDER crouched on the far side of the room. There is another tunnel that continues further EAST but it is completely blocked by the creature's large, hairy body.
Emboldened by your new sword, you hold the CRYSTAL up and see that the spider's eight eyes are all leaking what appears to be tears, and it sounds like it is sobbing.
> TALK TO SPIDER
SPIDER: I am so sad and alone! No one loves me because I am an enormous hairy spider. No one ever gives me anything for Valentine's Day...
> GIVE BOX TO SPIDER
You give the spider one of the old Valentine's cards.
SPIDER: Really? For me?
It looks a lot more cheerful now. You politely ask if the tunnel behind it leads towards the exit.
SPIDER: Oh yes, it&'s just through there. Please, take this.
The SPIDER hands you a Valentine's card of its own and steps away from the tunnel. The card reads, "I think WE'B be grEIGHT together!"
You turn the card over. It appears to have been written on the back of a page torn out of a book called Spellcasting for Dunces (Beginner's Spells for Everyday Use!) Your page has instructions for using the Spell of Resilience:
"Enter the text 'Cast Spell of Resilience on' followed by the item of your choice. This will make the item unbreakably hard for the next several minutes.
For example, Debbie needs to enchant the castle doors to withstand the invading king's battering ram. Debbie types 'Cast Spell of Resilience on doors' and the doors will be impossible to break down until the spell wears off. Good job, Debbie!"
> ASK SPIDER ON A DATE
You have a brief but passionate affair before differences in life goals prompt you to end the relationship. Even so, it will always have a special place in your heart.
> TALK TO SPIDER
There is no spider to talk to.
> ATTACK SPIDER WITH SWORD
What spider? Did you know that, as you sit here reading this text, a spider is probably no more than a few yards away?
> GO EAST
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE FOREST CAVE)
You are in a cave with a sandy floor opening onto the edge of a large forest. A great variety of GEMS, GOLD, and shiny bits of JUNK are arranged in what appears to be the shape of a smiley face. Dragons are so weird.
The FOREST is the fastest way to get back to your village, but you’ve heard rumors that it is haunted by a cursed race of human-like creatures. Hopefully your sword will be enough to scare off anything that might be dangerous.
> EXAMINE GEMS
A wide assortment of gemstones and a handful of mana crystals.
> TAKE GEMS
You would like to take something from the cave, but don’t want to risk having a second dragon after you. Best leave it where it is.
> EXAMINE GOLD
You stop to consider the wisdom in humans using metal coins as currency in a world populated by dragons.
> TAKE GOLD
You would like to take something from the cave, but don’t want to risk having a second dragon after you. Best leave it where it is.
> EXAMINE JUNK
One man’s trash is a romantic dragon’s treasure, it would seem.
> TAKE JUNK
You would like to take something from the cave, but don’t want to risk having a second dragon after you. Best leave it where it is.
> EXAMINE FOREST
An ancient forest. There sure are a lot of trees in there!
> ENTER FOREST
(GAME CONTINUES DEEPER INTO THE FOREST)
You start walking through the forest, looking about you for any signs of movement. Soon the path comes to a RIVER that you know flows towards your village. You briefly consider riding down it in a barrel, but then remember that it’s been done before.
> EXAMINE RIVER
The river is too deep to wade across and too fast to swim through. You consider following it back to town.
> DRINK FROM RIVER
The water is opaque with mud but you drink it anyway. Who doesn’t love dysentery?
> CROSS BRIDGE
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE FOREST DETOUR)
> FOLLOW RIVER
(GAME CONTINUES DEEPER INTO THE FOREST)
You begin following the river, happy to have found a definitive sign that you’re approaching your village. Suddenly, you hear a loud snap, as if some large, sneaky woodland creature is approaching you from behind. You turn around, gripping the sword in sweaty hands.
Standing before you is a tall, friendly-looking WOODSMAN in a plaid shirt with a long beard and carrying an axe.
PAUL: Hello traveler, nice to meet you!
PAUL: My people sent me here to greet you
PAUL: My name is Paul, I have an axe
PAUL: And we had better leave here fast!
PAUL: The Beaver Nation has forbade
PAUL: Men to travel in this glade
PAUL: So come be quick, let’s leave this path!
PAUL: Or else you’ll face their dark king’s wrath!
You stare at the woodsman in horror. This must be the rumored curse the people of the forest are doomed to suffer!
But…beavers? You’ve never even heard of one, and assume that it is some cult of mana-ridden fanatics. You ask Paul what he means.
PAUL: We are doomed to speak in verse!
PAUL: Our kind and beavers are at odds
PAUL: We lost the fight but gained a curse
PAUL: And now our kind has been outlawed!
PAUL: If they find you in their wood
PAUL: Upon you they may cast their spell!
PAUL: So get out of here we should
PAUL: Or else you’ll join our living hell!
You tell Paul that you don’t have time for a detour – you have only a few hours to get back to your village for a very important engagement, and there must be some way through without angering this Beaver King. You aren’t even a woodsman – why would he see you as a threat?
PAUL: Why didn’t I think of that?!
PAUL: We can talk our way out of this spat!
PAUL: He’ll forgive us I’m sure
PAUL: And give us the cure
PAUL: And we’ll be friends with that overgrown rat!
This sounds reasonable to you. You ask Paul to take you to the Beaver King.
PAUL: That was a joke! A laugh! A gag! We shall do nothing but wave the white flag!
You are not sure whether to INSIST HE TAKES YOU or to IGNORE HIM AND KEEP WALKING.
> IGNORE HIM
(GAME CONTINUES DEEPER INTO FOREST)
> INSIST HIM
You inform PAUL that you’re not afraid of this king and that he had better take you or else. You wave your sword around a little for effect, but he seems more concerned about the volume of your voice than anything.
PAUL: Not so loud, you’ll draw them here
PAUL: Fine, all right, I’ll take you
PAUL: But when your head is on a pike
PAUL: Expect me to forsake you
PAUL: Go along the river
PAUL: Then take the next left
PAUL: I’m not going with you
PAUL: I’d be going to my death
PAUL runs off into the bushes and you continue along the river. After about 20 minutes you come to a branch in the path, following a creek to the left. You turn and follow it. It appears as though the creek was once a much larger body of water but now much of its former bed is dry. As you proceed the forest becomes quieter and quieter and you have a sense of a great evil stealing over it. The trees here are older, and every so often you encounter a peculiar stump that ends in a point as if some creature chewed through it. The fate of the river becomes apparent as you encounter a large pond formed by a dam built right where the water used to run.
You hear a rustling in the bushes and a very strange CREATURE emerges. It looks like a giant rat but has a flat, paddle-like tail, glossy fur, and is wearing a strange assortment of human clothing including a feather-topped pirate hat, a tailcoat, and a women’s riding skirt.
CREATURE: Aha! A trespasser! Speak, knave, why are you skulking about in lands your kind has been vanquished from?!
You consider ASKING IT TO IDENTIFY ITSELF. Or should you TELL IT TO JUMP IN A LAKE?
> ASK IT TO IDENTIFY ITSELF
BEAVER: I am a beaver! We took these lands from the woodsmen after conquering them in the 100 Sticks Wars! As a human, you are no longer allowed in the lands they once controlled!
Now finally knowing what a beaver is, you ask the creature why it hates the Woodsmen.
BEAVER: The beaver and the woodsman are natural enemies! They both seek the same thing, but we cannot have two races of tree cutters in a forest! There can only be one!
You aren’t sure that you buy this explanation, and again consider telling the beaver to JUMP IN A LAKE. However, you know that your time would be better spent trying to FIND THE BEAVER KING.
> FIND THE BEAVER KING
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE BEAVER COURT)
You cross the creaky old BRIDGE and go down the GAME TRAIL, leaving the main PATH and RIVER behind. You have some extra time, and might as well explore while you're out here.
The forest creatures all seem to scatter as you pass, and soon it is very quiet. You start to feel a bit unnerved at the sudden silence, but don't see anything obviously dangerous. Perhaps the rumors are just stories after all. With no monsters come spilling out from behind the trees you feel a bit more confident and start walking more quickly.
Something swoops above you and a giant shadow crosses your path. You stumble backwards, dropping your SWORD and falling into a BRAMBLE BUSH. You hear the sound again, but closer. Your SWORD is just out of arm's reach and will take a few seconds to get a hold of, and you can't get to your pockets without shoving your arms into a nest of thorns. You look around for something to defend yourself with more immediately, but only see some MUSHROOMS and ACORNS.
> TAKE MUSHROOMS
You rip a handful of the mushrooms from the ground.
> TAKE ACORNS
You grab a handful of acorns.
> CUT BUSH WITH SWORD
Hoping that some horrible creature isn't about to swoop down on you, you lunge sideways and grab at the handle of your SWORD. After a few desperate seconds your fingers gain purchase on the hilt and you pull it towards you. You use the blade to saw away at the brambles and free yourself.
> THROW ACORNS
You throw the acorns in the direction of the noise. You weren't really hoping for much, and they clatter against a tree trunk without much of an effect.
You hear the noise again and throw your arms up to protect your face as a squirrel hops down and picks up one of the acorns.
Typical.
> PET SQUIRREL
Touching wildlife is not a smart idea, even if it is cute and fluffy.
> THROW ACORNS
You throw some more acorns to the squirrel. One of them nearly hits it and it chitters at you indignantly and runs away.
> PET SQUIRREL
You already scared it off!
> CUT BUSH WITH SWORD
You slash at the BRAMBLES one more time for good measure.
> FOLLOW SQUIRREL
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE ACORN TREE)
You push through the bushes and eventually reach an old oak tree. At the base is a small MOUNTAIN OF ACORNS.
> TAKE MOUNTAIN
You've already picked up some acorns, but you take a few more just in case.
> GO BACK
(GAME CONTINUES BACK TO FOREST DETOUR)
> CUT BUSH WITH SWORD
You slash at the BRAMBLES one more time for good measure.
> GO TO RIVER
(GAME CONTINUES BACK TO THE FOREST)
You tell Paul that you don’t have time for his petty squabbles with woodland creatures. You march past him.
PAUL: By the beard that’s on my head
PAUL: Something furry this way treads
PAUL: Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
You leave him behind and continue along the river. The sun is shining brightly and soon you are very warm in your winter clothing. Just when you were thinking that you’d like to take a break from all this hiking you see a building through the trees ahead. You approach and see that it is an old, abandoned MILL, complete with a broken, mossy WATERWHEEL. The door has rotted and fallen in, revealing the pitch-black interior. The PATH continues on the other side of the MILL.
> EXAMINE MILL
The stone walls are still standing, but the building is covered in moss and ivy and looks as though it has been deserted for some time.
> EXAMINE WATERWHEEL
It doesn't look like it's worked for quite some time.
> GO INTO MILL
(GAME CONTINUES INTO OLD MILL)
> TAKE PATH
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE FOREST PATH)
You step over the leaf-covered doorway and into the old building. It is much cooler inside the stone walls and smells like mold and dead leaves. It is quite dark inside, except for one corner where the roof has fallen in and light strikes a rickety old desk in the corner. You can see the outline of the MILLSTONE in the middle of the room.
> EXAMINE DESK
The desk is falling apart and topped with little bits of rubble and few scraps of paper. Most of the papers are RECORDS of some description, but there is one small PAINTING that is faded and spotted with water damage.
> EXAMINE RECORDS
They appear to be accounting notes and shipping manifests for lumber. It seems that whoever wrote them uses a different calendar than the rest of the realm.
> EXAMINE PAINTING
The painting depicts a man who looks like strikingly like Paul, from his beard to his plaid button-down shirt, standing arm and arm with a very large, rodent-like creature with long front teeth.
> TAKE RECORDS
Who knows when you’ll need some old, outdated shipping records.
> TAKE PAINTING
You tuck the painting away into your pocket.
> LEAVE MILL
(GAME CONTINUES BACK TO THE FOREST)
You leave the mill behind and keep walking. The river becomes narrower and even faster, with white water bubbling over hidden rocks.
Suddenly, you hear a rustling in the bushes and a very strange creature emerges. It looks like a giant rat but has a flat, paddle-like tail, glossy fur, and is wearing a strange assortment of human clothing including a lovely wide-brimmed hat decorated with red ribbons, a cape, and a pair of leather pants.
CREATURE: Who dares trod unasked in the realm of the Beaver King?!
You consider asking WHAT IS A BEAVER or telling the creature to SHOVE OFF.
> WHAT IS A BEAVER
BEAVER: The beaver is the most noble creature to ever walk this land! With its shapely paddle tail, gracefully proportioned yet perfectly efficient chisel teeth, and, most importantly, superior military strength to those woodsmen scum!
Now happily informed of the wonderful qualities of beaver-kind, you ask the creature why it hates the Woodsmen.
BEAVER: The beaver and the woodsman are natural enemies! They both seek the same thing, but we cannot have two races of tree cutters in a forest! There can only be one!
You aren’t sure that you buy this explanation, and again consider telling the beaver to SHOVE OFF. However, you know that your time would be better spent trying to FIND THE BEAVER KING.
> SHOVE OFF
BEAVER: Idiot human, we cannot shove off as we are not on a boat.
> EXAMINE BEAVER
A giant, sentient rodent of some description. You wonder if one of those wizard types had an experiment go awry.
> FIND THE BEAVER KING
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE BEAVER COURT)
You ask the creature where you can find the BEAVER KING, for you have something important to discuss with it.
BEAVER: We shall go to him, and you shall pay for trespassing upon our lands!
With that, four more beaver-creatures emerge from where they were crouched in the bushes around you. They all look more or less identical to the first, but these are all wielding long spears that appear to have been chewed from larger pieces of wood. They brandish their weapons at you threateningly. Things looking decidedly less positive, you decide it best to allow them to herd you forward.
The BEAVERS force you through the woods for a few minutes before you emerge into a large clearing alongside a lake. It is full of chewed-down stumps and more beavers in all manner of dress. Like the first BEAVER you encountered, they seem to have pieced their wardrobes together with little regard to current fashion, but to each his own you suppose. At the far end of the clearing there is a large throne made of slightly chewed pine logs, and sitting upon it the largest BEAVER you have seen thus far. It is wearing a resplendent, fur-trimmed cape and a crown made of material you don’t recognize bearing the words, “BURGER KING.”
All the BEAVERS turn and stare at you and your captors as they march you over towards the throne. The BEAVER KING stares down at you imperiously.
BEAVER KING: Human! Your kind have been warned not to step foot in our kingdom. You will be gravely punished for your transgression.
For whatever reason only two responses occur to you. Should you BEG FOR MERCY or CALL HIM A BAD RULER?
> EXAMINE BEAVERS
The beaver eyes you suspiciously.
BEAVER: What are you looking at?
> EXAMINE BEAVER KING
The largest BEAVER in the clearing, it also appears to be the angriest.
> GIVE PAINTING
You take out the painting and ask the BEAVER KING where it came from, if the BEAVERS and the woodsmen were natural enemies. He stares at it in shock for a moment.
BEAVER KING: Where did you get this? How… I had forgotten.
A single tear rolls dramatically down his cheek.
BEAVER KING: Jack and I were such great friends in our youth, before the war broke out. We were inseparable. All we wanted was to cut down trees and work to better the forest. And then he was killed in a freak tree-cutting accident. Killed by a woodsman who did not shout “Timber!” as he was felling a tree!
If anything, the BEAVER KING now looks even angrier. Should you BEG FOR MERCY or CALL HIM A BAD RULER?
> BEG FOR MERCY
You implore the BEAVER KING not to hurt you, arguing reasonably that you’re too young to die.
> CALL HIM A BAD RULER
You tell the BEAVER KING that marginalizing those he conquers is a poor way to gain their loyalty, and that you hope all of his decisions aren’t so foolhardy.
The BEAVER KING scratches his head, perhaps thoughtfully (though you wonder if he doesn’t have fleas.)
Should you CONDEMN HIS SPECIESISM or PROVOKE HIM?
> PROVOKE HIM
You call the BEAVER KING a giant, sewer-dwelling, garbage-eating rat. The beavers surrounding you go quiet, as if that were a step too far.
If anything, the BEAVER KING now looks even angrier. Should you BEG FOR MERCY or CALL HIM A BAD RULER?
Should you CONDEMN HIS SPECIESISM or PROVOKE HIM?
> CONDEMN HIS SPECIESM
You point out to the BEAVER KING that there really isn’t all that much difference between his people and the Woodsmen.
Both have the same mission- to harvest wood from the forest in a sustainable, environmentally friendly way. You point out that he is judging on appearances rather than what is on the inside. After all, we all have livers.
The BEAVER KING chitters his long front teeth as he considers your words.
Should you APPEAL TO HIS GOOD NATURE or IMPLY THAT HE IS COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING?
> IMPLY THAT HE IS COMPENSATING
You question the BEAVER KING’s motivations for wanting to fight the woodsmen so badly. Perhaps he is trying to make up for something he lacks?
> APPEAL TO HIS GOOD NATURE
You implore the BEAVER KING to consider the needs of all his subjects, as he is surely a magnanimous ruler and wants the best for everyone.
The BEAVER KING smacks his tail against the throne pensively.
Should you SUGGEST AN ALLIANCE or INSULT HIS MOTHER?
> INSULT HIS MOTHER
You suggest that the BEAVER KING’S mother had no fur and was bad at chewing down trees. The BEAVERS around you gasp in horror at your audacity.
The BEAVER KING gnashes his long front teeth.
BEAVER KING: I am not convinced, human! You’ll have to try better than that!
> SUGGEST AN ALLIANCE
You speculate that the Beaver Nation could chop down twice as many trees if they could set their differences aside and work with the Woodsmen. Think of all the ponds and early successional habitats they could create!
The BEAVER KING chews on a stick, looking troubled.
BEAVER KING: You know, I think you may be right. I had not considered that our differences might be an asset and strengthen the kingdom, and that all this fighting is just weakening us. Bring the LORD OF THE WOODSMEN!
Two of the BEAVER guards scurry off, and return shortly dragging a woodsman between them. Like Paul he has a beard and a plaid shirt, but judging by his ragged appearance and lack of axe you guess that he has been their prisoner for some time.
BEAVER KING: Woodsman, I am setting you free with my official apologies! I wish for you to return to your people and offer them a truce, to unite our kingdoms and work together. This human has shown me that we are not natural enemies at all, but natural allies! I will lift the curse I have placed upon you and lift the ban on your entering our territory.
The woodsman looks as though he doesn’t fully believe all of this.
WOODSMAN: We will consent to work with you for the good of all who dwell in the forest, beaver. It may take time for us to overcome all of the bad blood that has come between us, but if you are true to your word I think we will be strong allies and improve the lives of everyone.
You leave the BEAVER KING’s court with the Woodsman and travel together until you return to the river.
LORD OF THE WOODSMEN: It does seem strange not to speak in verse any longer. In any event, my people and I offer you our thanks. You have improbably settled an age-old dispute and we are all in your debt. Should you ever need something chopped down we will be there without hesitation. In the meantime, take this.
He gives you his axe, returned to him by the BEAVERS. It has a coat of arms stamped into the side of the blade displaying a pine tree over two crossed axes.
It appears that you may CONTINUE ONTO THE BATTLEMENTS
> EXAMINE AXE
A gift from the LORD OF THE WOODSMEN. It has a coat of arms stamped into the side of the blade displaying a pine tree over two crossed axes.
> CONTINUE ONTO THE BATTLEMENTS
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE BATTLEMENTS)
You glance at your wrist-mounted sundial and realize that you are running late and had better hurry if you want to make your meeting on time. You start to jog through the remaining woods and soon the battlements of the wall surrounding your village are visible. You are about to reach the gate when you hear a horrible, horrible sound. It sounds almost like…but no, it can’t be. You hear the screaming of your fellow villagers as a giant shadow sweeps over the village.
With a massive crash, something giant and red ploughs into the stone wall, sending rubble and dust everywhere. The horrible noise stops and the DRAGON whose nest you escaped turns around to look at you standing at the edge of the woods.
DRAGON: There you are! Come here, I’ve just been improving the lyrics and I really need your opinion!
You can see the gate standing open between the dragon’s front legs, the rocks framing it miraculously still intact…you could probably make it if you run.
> GO TO GATE
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE VILLAGE STREETS)
You dash forward, scramble over the rubble that was once the village wall, dart between the dragon’s front legs and through the gate. You’re a person on a mission, and no amorous dragon is going to stop you.
You’ve come out on the main street (if you can call it a street) and see around you the many charming shops, stalls, and garbage piles that line it. You see the town has been decorated for the annual Spring Festival, with STREAMERS running from every possible attachment point and FLOWERS scattered everywhere. Rising above the more modest storefronts is the familiar sight of the Ye Olde Patisserie, distinguished by the giant doughnut sculpture its owner “Oily” Koek had installed on top. The townsfolk all call it an eyesore, but old Oily insists that he has a right to advertise his shop, even in a historic neighborhood. You see that someone has even tied a STREAMER from the giant doughnut to the blacksmith’s shop.
DRAGON: Hey! Where are you going?
The dragon pulls itself out of the demolition zone and begins to stomp after you, tearing down decorations and STREAMERS as it goes. A horrible screeching noise once again begins to issue from its mouth. You stick your fingers in your ears and keep going, ignoring the renewed screaming from your neighbors.
DRAGON: OHHHHH RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR BABY I’VE ONLY GOT EYES FOR YOU RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR!
At the end of the street you can see the Pink Dragon Café, an institution known for its haute cuisine (weevil bread). If you tried to run there the dragon would surely catch you now that it’s not encumbered by several tons of rock—you’ll have to be more creative than that.
> CAST SPELL OF RESILIENCE ON STREAMERS
You take off running down the street and prepare to cast the spell the spider gave you. It is very distracting to attempt a new skill with a dragon thundering along behind you and you wonder if it even worked as you say the incantation and nothing obvious happens. You dart past the doughnut shop, the dragon hot on your heels. There is a sudden loud crash, a screech, and a clanging noise and something heavy falls and shakes the ground behind you. You stop and turn around, and are shocked to see the dragon with its head and shoulders trapped inside the giant doughnut sculpture and both the smithy and the doughnut shop itself in ruins.
DRAGON: Hey, what was that for?
You would like to tell the dragon what you really think of its singing, but after considering its size and teeth you instead tell it that if it wants to find a mate it should try to be itself.
DRAGON: You know, I never thought about it that way. Hmm…you’re right. Music isn’t really my thing. Being gigantic and bloodthirsty and having lots of gold and kidnapped princesses is what matters most. If the dragons here can’t appreciate that about me, then maybe I should find ones who do!
With that, the dragon takes off and is soon a speck in the distance, leaving your path to the cafe open.
> ENTER CAFE
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE PINK DRAGON CAFE)
> SING TO DRAGON
You turn to face the dragon, fingers still in ears. Enough is enough, and it’s time to give this dragon a taste of its own medicine. Hoping that none of your friends are listening, you throw back your head and begin to belt out the first song you can think of as loudly as possible.
DRAGON: Wow, that’s the worst sound I’ve ever heard! You really shouldn’t forcibly subject us to that cacophony you call music, that’s just rude.
You would like to tell the dragon what you really think of its singing, but after considering its size and teeth you instead tell it that if it wants to find a mate it should try to be itself.
DRAGON: You know, I never thought about it that way. Hmm…you’re right. Music isn’t really my thing. Being gigantic and bloodthirsty and having lots of gold and kidnapped princesses is what matters most. If the dragons here can’t appreciate that about me, then maybe I should find ones who do!
With that, the dragon takes off and is soon a speck in the distance, leaving your path to the cafe open.
(NOTE: EXAMINE INVENTORY IS OPTIONAL – THE FOLLOWING SECTION IS OPTIONAL DIALOGUE)
> EXAMINE INVENTORY
You rifle through your (metaphorical) bag. It appears to contain the following things:
• PLANNER • NOTE • COINS • BONES • ARMOR • PICKAXE • POLEYN • ROCK • STICK • LEAVES • FLUTE • CRYSTAL • SWORD • VALENTINES • CARD • MUSHROOMS • ACORNS • RECORDS • AXE
> EXAMINE PLANNER
The planner is full of dates and times. On the page with today’s date, you are apparently supposed to be at the Pink Dragon Café at 6 o’clock for dinner. A folded note is stuck between the pages.
> EXAMINE NOTE
“I yearn for you tragically, and cannot wait to finally see you again.” At the bottom it lists the same place, date and time to meet as in the planner.
> EXAMINE ARMOR
A rusty bit of armor that is more likely to cut you than give you any protection.
> EXAMINE ROCK
A rock you found on the ground. If you believe hard enough it is a lucky rock.
> EXAMINE STICK
A stick you found on the ground. It seems fairly useless.
> EXAMINE FLUTE
A conch shell with some holes in it.
> EXAMINE CRYSTAL
A mana crystal. It's a shame anyone who can do magic leaves your town for the city.
> EXAMINE SWORD
A sword you took from a skeleton. You can't use it very well but they don't know that.
> EXAMINE CARD
The card reads, "I think WE'B be grEIGHT together! 8888D"
It appears to have been written on the back of a page torn out of a book called Spellcasting for Dunces (Beginner's Spells for Everyday Use!). The page has instructions for using the Spell of Resilience:
"Enter the text 'Cast Spell of Resilience on' followed by the item of your choice. This will make the item unbreakably hard for the next several minutes.
For example, Debbie needs to enchant the castle doors to withstand the invading king's battering ram. Debbie types 'Cast Spell of Resilience on doors' into the command text box and the doors will be impossible to break down until the spell wears off. Good job, Debbie!"
> EXAMINE AXE
A gift from the LORD OF THE WOODSMEN. It has a coat of arms stamped into the side of the blade displaying a pine tree over two crossed axes.
(NOTE: IF YOU DID NOT GIVE THE PAINTING AWAY TO THE BEAVER KING, YOU WILL HAVE THE PAINTING IN YOUR INVENTORY BY THE END OF THE GAME.)
(OPTIONAL SECTION OVER; EXAMINING INVENTORY/BAG CAN ONLY BE DONE BEFORE THE GAME HAS ENDED)
> SING TO DRAGON or SING AGAIN or SING TO YOURSELF
You sing a verse of song. Everyone cringes.
> CAST SPELL OF RESILIENCE ON STREAMERS
Nothing happens.
> GO TO CAFÉ
(GAME CONTINUES TO THE PINK DRAGON CAFE)
You sigh with relief and walk down the street to the Pink Dragon Café.
The cafe is small but relatively clean, with a number of tables and mismatched chairs crammed inside. Every surface has been painted bright pink and decorated with hearts, flowers, and drawings of frilly-looking dragons. Your date is waiting for you at one of the tables. Finally, you sit down and join them.
The date goes well enough, and as you are preparing to part ways you are faced with a decision. Should you REMAIN GOOD FRIENDS? Or should you CONFESS your true and undying romantic FEELINGS?
> REMAIN GOOD FRIENDS
You tell your date that you had a wonderful time and greatly appreciate their friendship. The two of you simultaneously jump into the air and exchange the World’s Best High-Five, and then hug each other goodbye. You bid them goodnight and return to your home, reflecting on how lucky you are - for as the great poet-philosopher Jean-Claude Van Damme once said, “Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer.”
> CONFESS YOUR FEELINGS (if you didn't ask the spider on a date)
You express your true feelings for you date. They smile as they tell you they feel the same way. You feel butterflies in the pit of your stomach as you imagine spending more time together. You part ways for the evening with plans to meet again tomorrow. As you walk home there is a spring in your step and you feel very hopeful for the future.
> CONFESS YOUR FEELINGS (if you asked the spider on a date)
The evening goes well enough, but you can’t help but feel like you’re missing something. For one, your date has only two eyes, four limbs, and isn’t covered in thick, bristly black hair. You can’t help but wonder – is your special someone actually a giant tarantula?
Should you STAY WITH YOUR DATE or RETURN TO THE SPIDER?
> REMAIN GOOD FRIENDS (optional)
You've already begun your moral dilemma; there's no turning back now.
> STAY WITH YOUR DATE (possibly glitched?)
There doesn't seem to be anything to do that with.
> RETURN TO THE SPIDER (option 4 - if asked the spider on a date)
Your adventures today have shown you that following your heart is the truest way to happiness. Sadly you tell your date that while you like them very much, you must be honest and are afraid that it is not going to work out. You part ways after expressing a hope that the two of you can remain good friends.
You check that your sword is buckled tightly to your belt and your axe slung securely across your back. You know you need to return to that cave to find your eight-legged true love. Night is fallen, and you hope that you look impressive as you stride out of town under the last rays of the twilight sun. You climb over the fallen stones of the wall and set out into the forest, on to new adventures and your own happily ever after.
THE END